Feelings update - 1 year later.

"Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan'" (otto-the-croatian) 11/14/2020 at 20:58 • Filed to: feelings, thanks oppo

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Almost exactly one year ago, !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! with a girl I couldn’t be with any more. I wanted to write a quick update to whomever fi nds it interesting.

But first I want to thank you all for commenting back then and helping me out. It meant a lot, I really mean that. I know Oppo is all sappy and emotional right now- I just wanted to make a quick post to close this chapter, and to then keep it in the depths of Kinja. This might not be your cup of tea, but w riting about it feels like meditating and helps me think it over more thoroughly and know more precisely how I feel. I hope someone can find value in my thoughts.

Ok so to recap quickly what was the proble m: I had been seeing this girl, we met at work and have gotten very into each other, and started sort-of dating. I say sort-of because it was all on the down-low, even though she was a grown woman, due to personal reasons she wanted to keep me away from her parents - due to religious differences, we could never be a thing long term. It is a huge part of her life. I am not religious in any way, so that was as far as she’s concerned an insurmountable obstacle. I can respect that, as it is a part of who she is, it shapes her as this wonderful, caring, honest person she is. (She’s also gorgeous, btw, wayyy out of my league, not even sure how she saw any dating potential in me. Like objectively model-level beautiful. )   We both knew that it couldn’t work, but still the feelings we had toward each other grew. It’s like hitting the snooze button on reality, just 5 more minutes and then we’ll end it. We have been spending a lot of time with each other, going on short trips out of town, spending every day together, etc. - very teenage sort of stuff, even though we are both well into our late 20s.

Finally a round September last year she got smart and gathered enough brains and courage to end our relationship, or whatever you want to label it. Losing her broke my heart. I knew it had to end and that it was doomed from the start - but I still fell into it and found myself heart broken, with no one else but myself to blame.

It really hit deep, more than any other breakup or any romantic emotion I felt before to anyone. I was really hurt. A few months later I posted about it on Oppo, and you folks came to the rescue, sharing your experiences and advice. It helped me see that others went through something similar, and that it was a solvable and temporary problem.

It’s been a year, and I feel m uch better now. She has found someone she can be with and I think they are pretty serious. I don’t know much about what she’s doing though, and I like it that way. I muted her on all social media and removed any chance of seeing her online. We ended on good terms btw - so no deleting each other or anything, I just found ways to block her out without her knowing. I think that is more polite and allows her to be happy with her dude without thinking about how I feel. I genuinely want her to be happy and not worry about me, so since the breakup I never told her exactly and in detail how I felt. We also never said the words ‘I love you’ to each other, but had some sort of subtle and not so subtle moments where it was implied and replaced with other words. I think it was a defence mechanism for both of us - not wanting to officially get in too deep since we knew it would have to end.

For about 6 months I was in a terrible state. I was overeating and not doing any exercise . I would go get 2 huge kebabs, fries and a coke every other night, and eat them in bed watching a show and just fall asleep with empty wrappers around me. It got pretty bad, I just went to work, where I stayed for way too long - about 12 hour days - just so that I could take my mind off her (I’m a graphic designer, running a design studio with my friend). Oppo, car videos, and dumb memes were my timewasters of choice. I also played a bunch of videogames (Insurgency, an online FPS) but never actually enjoyed it or got fully commited to a match , it was just a way to pass a few hours with a blank mind, staring at the screen and playing very passively .

But then around May 2020 I started working out with a personal traienr, who directed me to a whole new diet plan, I stopped wallowing in my sadness and decided to work on myself. I think the trigger was a month-long flu with strong symptoms - fever, vomiting, indigestion, etc. - I was just bedridden for a month, properly sick. During that time I just ate like 2 spoonfulls of rice a day, I couldn’t eat.

So after getting better I just didn’t want to eat shit anymore, in any way. It felt bad getting a B igM ac after that. Something hit me, it was both a mental and physical disgust towards the behaviour I was showing myself. I decided to change that - hence the trainer, a new diet, a new state of mind.

Describing it with such inspirational-quote ready words is bullshit - this was a process of a few weeks, not a single A -ha! moment. I started evaluating how I felt, which helped me process it. Before I would just feel like shit and try to bury it down with a pizza. Dealing with these feelings in whatever way I could allowed me to get through it.

At one point I also realised that I had sold my Twingo not just because it was a moneypit rustbucket - but also because it reminded me of the times I spent with h er so much that it hurt every time I got into the car.

Seeing her pictures, and especially in-person is still hard, to be honest. I still miss her a lot. I will love her forever, she’ll always be a part of my life - in a positive way. Hopefully you can understand what I mean. I am at peace, not in a self-destructive hysteria. I’ve moved on, and I hope I can soon reach a point where I can think about our memories without feeling regret that they ended - but feel happy that they happened. I’m not there yet, but t hat’s my current goal.

Now I’ve lost 44 pounds(20kg), I went from 115 to 95 kg in 3 months since the training began. Soon I’ll be a powerlifting protein-drinking gymbro with pictures of Arnold Schwarzenegger on my wall lol. But for real, I like to work out now. I’ve never ever felt happy about any sort of training, so this is new to me. And I like it! Hopefully when this epidemic ends I’ll be out there dating someone new. I’ve learned a lot about myself, what to expect, how to act according to my feelings - and most importantly - not to underestimate the power of emotions in a human.

Thanks Oppo! I wanted to write about this before Kinja swallows it all up. Share some of your troubles if you want, if you are in the same boat as I am now, or as I was a year ago. Vent away.

Good night!

/TL;DR: Feelings can fuck you up, man. Watch out.

phenotyp > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/14/2020 at 22:50

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Sometimes feelings can fuck you up in a good way.

Cheers, man. See you on the other side. 

flatisflat > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/14/2020 at 23:09

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I wasn’t around for your previous post on the matter, but I’m glad to hear you’re coming out well on the other side!

I’m still living with the someone I had tried to ‘settle down with’ starting right about a year ago. That hasn’t worked out, and the pandemic has definitely complicated the physical parting of ways. Ah well...luckily, we’re doing OK as just housemates (so far).

I’m in my late 30's and, given my personality, had begun to resolve myself to permanent singledom (I’m just not the marrying type), but then decided to give this a shot. More fodder for the argument for staying by myself, it seemed to only become. I used to have very lofty thoughts of a wife and kids, but my actual self seems to be steering me rather succinctly in the opposite direction. I might fully believe that reality now. So perhaps there’s positives to be had there. But I fear the inevitable loneliness.

ah well.  c’est la vie, mon ami. ça va, ça va.

interstate366, now In The Industry > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/14/2020 at 23:43

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I’m still hurting from my ex, over two years after she freaked out and left me. We didn’t even date that long. She was the best friend I ever had, and I’ve never met someone that had a connection like we did, before or since, and don’t think I ever will. Let this be my Kinja legacy that I still want her back.

CaptDale - is secretly British > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/15/2020 at 01:02

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Glad to hear you are doing well. I went through a similar stage after my last relationship ended, but more the opposite food wise. I just didn’t want food. Forced myself to have protein shakes cause at least then I could focus on work when I was there. Lost 25 lbs.

It can be real rough and I am glad you’re finding yourself again.

ITA97, now with more Jag @ opposite-lock.com > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/15/2020 at 01:28

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I’m happy for your newfound perspective. It will serve you well.

Unrelated, have you found your way to the Hyphen? https://opposite-lock.com/ . We're all there.  Same great flavor, but less Kinja.

Blondude > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/15/2020 at 02:01

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It’s nice to see other people are using this opportunity to get things off their chest and shove them into the Kinja abyss too. I missed your first post about this, but i t’s good to hear things are getting better. Let’s hope things continue on this path! See you on the other side <3

Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' > flatisflat 11/15/2020 at 06:24

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Hey, things can change quickly. You still might meet someone, but as you pointed out, I think living with certain expectations can be tiresome, make you face “failures” more than you would like and lead you to be resentful. We’re all still looking to the secret of life I guess.

I wish you luck with the housemate situation during this awful period, hopefully it won’t last too long and won’t become a burden.

C ’est la vie, mon ami. ça va, ça va.
- I like that, haven’t heard it in a while. I’ll write it down somewhere close, adding French nonchalant flair to the sentiment makes it feel like everything’s gonna be ok!

Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' > interstate366, now In The Industry 11/15/2020 at 06:25

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Thanks for sharing! Writing it down or saying it out loud allows you to rethink it and question it. I feel the same way, like no one will ever come close. Just don’t let that stop you from meeting someone new, that’s important!

Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' > ITA97, now with more Jag @ opposite-lock.com 11/15/2020 at 06:27

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Thanks! On my way there tonight, I was too busy with work to get into it.

Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' > Blondude 11/15/2020 at 06:27

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Sure, thanks! See ya later alligator

interstate366, now In The Industry > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/15/2020 at 09:11

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I have. Many times. It’s never felt right. Nothing has felt right.